Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize