There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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