i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
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