Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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