Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
