just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
