So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
