My hand turned me down
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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