I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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