Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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