You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
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