I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
