woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
