If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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