I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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