I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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