Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
