Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Randomize
