Your dad touched me again.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize