I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
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