Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
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