dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
