I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
