We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
