i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
