Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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