dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
