You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
