My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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