oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
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