what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
