I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
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