What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
