i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
