i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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