So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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