just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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