I'd wear matching sweaters with you
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
