Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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