i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
My boob is missing a layer of skin
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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