Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
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