what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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