In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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