I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
