I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Randomize