the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
