We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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