Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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