I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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