It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
