Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
