I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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