Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
