i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
