tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
