I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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