I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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