I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
