if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
